Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
