Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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