I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
