i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
