i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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