My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
