I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
