just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
