i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT