Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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