god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
