My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
