I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
