You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
