The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
