End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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