i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
