is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
