So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
