I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
