The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
