1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
