I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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