I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
