Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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