I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
