i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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