in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
