I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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