So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
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I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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