people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
