Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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