It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
