She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
