She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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