she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
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I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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