Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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