He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
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