Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
