You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
