and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
