just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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