Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
