She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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