he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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