im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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