There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
