I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
