I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
