my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
