Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
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I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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