Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
