I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
